Sharing My Inner Most Process
Last night I checked messenger before going to bed. I was sitting with my daughter and pets after a few days of sabbatical.
A gorgeous insanely psychic friend of mine who I love and have the loveliest connection with (even though we’ve never met each other) had messaged.
She said ‘are you ok?’.
I told her how I was and she called straight away. We were on the phone for some time as she very clearly expressed her emotions and cared as only she can – direct, forceful, with a lot of profanities and truth bombs. That’s why we get along so well ;-) What I also love is she’s British and sounds like a grittier more streetwise Patsy of Ab Fab, it’s fabulous.
Lately, I’ve been hanging out with my healer and psychic friends. Something hasn’t been right this year and the very clear message, that my darling friend last night fired at me passionately, was that I have given and given so much for so long and it’s not serving me.
That is such a foreign concept to me. I don’t get it. Still don’t. But after being yelled at for a solid 20 minutes last night, I chose to listen. And in my commitment to transparency and honesty, I’m going to share with you. The hardest bit is coming, hang in there.
At the end of last week, my specialist called to say the biopsy I did of my thyroid had come back and it’s positive. That marble sized lump is nasty and has to come out, and I’m to have the appropriate treatment.
I’ve had Hashimoto's disease for some time and been so chuffed with myself for treating it naturally and not being so fussed about it. Apart from packing on weight, it hasn’t been that big a deal. But this year it went a bit crazy. When told it was time for another routine biopsy, I shrugged it off, even when something didn’t feel right in my throat.
My reaction? To be still. Very still. No noise, no fuss, just peace and my inner world. Everything I had planned for the coming month has been scrapped, and the way has been made for this to play out and be dealt with. Well apart from opening up another 6 months of spiritual mentoring, as that is insanely rewarding.
I know it’s no big deal, the thyroid is easy to remove and while inconvenient to have medication for the rest of my life, I take supplements every day, so it’s no change to my routine.
It does, however, trigger a lot of inquiry. What has been the most prominent theme for me recently?
A new way. I know I have talked about this, but I’m being forced, once again, into a new way. Now you see, I have a new quest. Something to take on while I gently go through this period of treatment. I love quests. I always turn interesting and difficult periods into an opportunity to discover something. And each time I get it. This is my innermost process. A Quest.
This began a few years ago but is right up and centre for me now. You could in the past, describe me as very yang. Even though I’m a female, and a soft nurturing one, I’m very masculine in energy. I am determined and quite ok to tough it out with the best of them to get where I want to go. I know hard work, I enjoy it, and I will do whatever it takes to get things done.
In all honesty, this has been crumbling all year. We are entering into an age of yin energy. I’m a spiritual teacher. I’m meant to be setting an example. It is not something I know all that well. So I’m having to go through the motions of working it out.
There is also the giving issue. To me, that’s the best thing ever, such a strong reason for being. Giving. Finding ways to help and to give as much as possible. I must be doing it in a yang way. Or something like that. I have been hearing the message, again and again; it’s time to receive. WTF?
What even is that? I feel so satisfied and happy! I love my days, my home, my kids, my pets, my friends, you guys, in fact, everything I do. Yet, as is the way, we never stop learning and growing and expanding.
My friend last night said, if I don’t fess up and reach out for some love and support and reciprocity, she’ll ring and give it to me again. Hilarious. Here I am.
So I am opening up my private world to you. Sending love as always, and giving an invitation for some in return; however, that is for you. I laughed last night and said to her; I’ll invite anything from love, healing, a meal, support for the medical bills to a Learjet. That still makes me laugh. This is quite uncomfortable. Hmm, interesting.
I’m going to continue to love and nurture and be open to it coming back. However that is. Personally, just having you and my Sangha and the seekers in my programs is enough, but if there’s something more to learn, I’m up for it.
This will be my third surgery for the third utterly different reason in twelve months. Enough. I'm getting it universe, ok!?
Before sitting here in my meditation space to write to you, I pulled a book off my shelf called the Bhakti Sutras. A magnificent book on aphorisms on love. Divine love. Melting in love for God.
Prem – intense love for God – the Divine, Spirit, Source, whatever floats your boat. I’m a God girl. "Prem is the intense love for God that makes one forget the world and forget even their own body – that is, rise above the physical consciousness." Sri Ramakrishna.
Nothing matters. All is perfect.
The Bhagavad Gita –
"Who burns with the bliss
And suffers the sorrow
Of every creature
Within his own heart,
Making his own
Each bliss and each sorrow:
They I hold highest
Of all the yogis."
What we put our focus on, we become. Mine will be entirely on my love of the Divine and my relationship with the Self, and from that place, may all the love and healing meant for me to come and do its thing. That’s reciprocal ;-)
I will also invite you all into the meditations, prayers, pujas and worship. With love and gratitude.
How fascinating it is to discover a little door inside ourselves that is shut and needs opening. Thank you for being there and to the friendly voices that speak up, or in the case of last night, yell and curse – with so much love we were dancing in light and laughter at the end. Literally.