When I allowed negative emotions some attention, my healing went deeper.
How many of you have become excellent copers? How many can say they are proud that even though there’s been sometimes great adversity and struggle in our lives, we still soldier on and don’t let things ruin our lives or our families and relationships? I’d become a seriously impressive coper. Well, so I thought. I’d become adept with using spiritual practice and spirituality to transcend my emotions, the ones that were actually there to be felt anyway.
I’d devised a coping mechanism so clever, that literally NOONE, and I mean the best of the best spiritual teachers, psychics, healers, friends who witnessed what happened, ever picked up a shred of trauma in me.
There were, of course, some classic symptoms, but they were socially acceptable at the time, like self-doubt, chronic illness, self-deprecating humour, doing what others thought was right and avoiding what I wanted, keeping myself safe and invisible to buy security and surety. In fact, the above made me likeable. The trauma I must add, was visible to teachers at school who did intervene and I did get counselling growing up which was wonderful, but no one could find the deep stuff buried away.
When the universe and my body said it’s time, finally all the suppressed traumas and feelings broke the damn wall and I had no idea what was happening. Not used to feeling or recognising inner turmoil I started to suffer. Insomnia, anxiety, broken health. After doing the medical rounds with no luck, I ended up with a healer who in the first session spent 90 minutes with me, trying to find the root of the cause. As my knees were the first part of my body to completely collapse, she spent a long time talking to them. Cute I know. They talked back! All the impressions and feelings she saw, I saw too!
What she found, was a little girl, feeling unfathomable rage at her parents for the abusive, critical and frightening way they treated her. All my life I was not allowed to express my hurt, anger or disgust at being treated like an abusive owner to his dog. Early on I’d used my smarts to always navigate the volatile and bipolar experience of my childhood. One minute the best experience ever in affluent surroundings, the next, horror and fear. This little girl was erupting with revenge. What I found most interesting was, I’d never had any kind of relationship with revenge and the word itself was dead or dormant. Not only that, in all my spiritual training, we were told it was negative and to not go there. That suited me fine.
In that 90 minutes, I had to acknowledge finally this anger that was more like that of a She-devil. Like the Hindu Goddess Kali with blood on her mouth and skulls around her neck and terrifying eyes. It was so strong and so awful no wonder I’d kept it hidden in my body so long and no wonder my body couldn’t stand it anymore. In a safe environment, I was encouraged to imagine that little girl carrying out acts of revenge and that it was totally alright, there was nothing wrong with that emotion. A whole new concept to me:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEGATIVE EMOTION.
That experience was the beginning of a new direction in my life and of course in the healing journey that unfolded, is still unfolding. My mother died years ago but she has been with me in spirit and suddenly all the healers, teachers, psychics, friends can feel her and easily access my deepest emotions and experiences. My space has been so raw and alive that it was almost too much me being around me! When I slip into my old coping mechanisms, I get sick! How’s that? It’s not that easy to give up old beliefs and ways of being, but there’s a new universal electric fence around my behaviours and tendencies that keep me from going back.
I’d not known due to my age and the belief system of my family, that it’s ok to have negative emotions. Well, they must have been able to justify their misuse of their power towards me, but again, that was acceptable in my family community at that time. Still is. To really allow the healing to happen meant spending time away from that dynamic. That was hard because I’d done everything in my power to try and stay in it, to prove I can cope and I’m worthy and accepted as one of them. I’m not anymore. I love them dearly though. I’ve become so empathic and hyper sensitive that if I’m around them I actually feel all their unacknowledged fears and hurts which of course, they are asleep to and think I’m crazy.
I’m still actually a rookie, still getting a handle on this new way of being, acknowledging anxiety and slowly one by one going through the old pent up emotions that just want a hug. Want some recognition as they head off back home to love, to God. As they come up, I’m learning to embrace and talk sweetly instead of pushing them away and doing something to get my mind instantly distracted. I’m no longer the tough feisty action girl. I’m ok with the changes that still haven’t finished. I’ll certainty share when I get there, wherever there is.
I’d love to hear of your coping strategies, if you’ve overcome any of them, what you have faced with your emotions and healing journeys…. please comment below of even message me and if you need help, I’m more than able to give you some.
Om Shanti. xxx