This week I was hit with a quadruple mega triple whammy. I know that doesn’t make sense, sounds more like an exotic ice-cream, only missing the sprinkles. I wish I had sprinkles! On top of my existing current human existence karmic load – recovering from Adrenal issues and all the side effects, God decided to deliver the worst hey fever season on record. With a weakened system, it has hit me hard.
Yesterday, after way too many days dealing with nasty cold symptoms, I opened my alter box, lit incense, waved a light and did my usual routine. The result was me standing there having a really stern talk to God about how crappy this whole situation is. I was having a ginormous tantrum. In that moment God was unkind, difficult, nasty, boring and I was over it all. It was all his fault…I mean obviously!
You see my pet dislike is not being able to do.
This girl has a Peter Pan personality type and likes to do whatever she likes when she likes with no distractions. When health issues get in the way, I don’t take kindly to it. I also don’t pretend I’m ok when I’m not anymore because life has taught me when you do that, you are not only really fooling yourself and don’t actually feel better, you are blocking off loving support from others. Another little tendency of mine….to be ok if others ask, when really I’m totally crap and I do it so well, I actually block out love. People love to care.
Once I’d sworn and cursed at God and let it all hang out, what was left was just to sit in the present moment, as crappy as it was and simply experience it. I was too sick to meditate and really didn’t care to, my head was pounding so I didn’t want to listen to calming music or chat with a friend. I just sat in my human misery and started to feel better emotionally.
“My darling, forgive yourself for having a human tantrum, it doesn’t mean you not utterly divine! Please however, move on as soon as you can x”
Ahh, this cycle of joy and despair we humans go through. I’d come face to face with the worst side of myself – the side that doesn’t like to be held back or feel pain. Really who does? It’s simply tedious and I own it; because I don’t like it, I react when it happens. Well not always, it’s usually when a new form of being blocked happens; good news I’m getting better at it actually.
I don’t hold any delusions that it ceases to happen, maybe we get better at turning a blind eye to it but that doesn’t mean it stops. I get my personality is one that rebels and when I get antsy or cross, I at least know to take it straight to the boss. God can’t be insulted; he is simply listening to my struggle with the full spectrum of experiences of this manifest world. It’s the best news ever that I have somewhere to let out my full expression of female frustration and all that results is love.
It’s important honest here. I wouldn’t want to be around me right now! I know God, I know who I am, I’ve experienced the Self for so many years and guess what, I’m a human. We all are. Breaking away from the false images and teachings that we ever are anything else is now a core motivation for me. Snapping out of what keeps us bound is a driving motivation, it’s where so much of my passion is.
What can keep up bound? Aiming to be something that isn’t.
Trying to take on a false persona when we are on the spiritual path. Thinking we have to be like the Buddha or Christ when really I’m sure they had man flu and crappy days. I’m sure of it! Seriously, we actually have no idea what they really were like, we only get the bit’s people decided to share or even create. We get only the spiritual bullshit gloss of so many spiritual hopefuls and teachers as part of a personal marketing ploy, it comes from insecurity and comparison and whatever else. Being insanely spiritual doesn’t give you a ticket out of that kind of thing.
For years I heard how it is for a Siddha (realised being) but after observing and reading Siddha’s lives and watching my own experience, they were/are still human and prone to the complexities of human existence until death. Let’s give it up. Seeing it any other way actually only leads to utter disappointment, believe me, even to the point of questioning one’s faith. I can’t be bothered lying to you. I’d much rather come clean; I think that’s what this new shift in consciousness is asking for. It’s more real and makes it more attainable for all of us.
There’s no need to pretend to be anything other than a girl who loves all things divine, who wants to bring her summit back to earth and live a true account of my human experience. Having the odd tantrum doesn’t mean I’m not divine, it doesn’t mean I have less attainment than any other. I’m wanting to give hope to others that it’s ok to have the odd shitty day. We are going to always come face to face with our personalities, they stay with us guys until we leave this mortal coil. They are where our unique journey and practice lies, our personalities.
Life is a constant dance, constant navigation of our divine nature and our personhood.
A constant string of choices. At the moment I’m choosing a hissy fit and that’s ok, it’s temporary and helped me let off some steam. The deal is to not beat yourself up or anyone else for that matter; God can handle the occasional earful….
My biggest contribution I pray, is that people get that we don’t need to follow another’s path, to behave like another, to be like anything other than us to get to God, to realise our true Self. The strongest delusions actually happen once we get on that conveyor belt to consciousness. It takes daily diligence to see past it and it snags the best of us. The only way is to stay real, to keep to our goals and to be ok with our limitations. To admit we may have screwed up.
Once we realise the self, we are still experiencing being a human. We still have our personality! News flash ya’ll. When we find the honest limitations in another who is doing the work to be spiritual offensive or vile, it could be a reflection of some impossible to hold ideal in ourselves; It may be keeping us very stuck.
For the record, I’m over my stink with God. Now at it’s funny. He kept me up all night wheezing and coughing, so not cool. All those pretty flowers and trees with seeds and pollen and all things inflaming. You see it’s so funny how duality is represented everywhere we look. No doubt at the end of this, something will have manifested that I didn’t imagine possible. A new understanding will have taken birth. A fresh perspective that needed time to incubate. As always, I’ll look back and think….wow, that’s so cool, I’m so grateful, thanks God. I always feel so incredibly loved and forgiven. God so knows how to handle a hot, feisty and passionate women ha ha J
This week I admittedly choose to wrestle with my human nature. It helps to remember that everything’s perfect. Everything’s happening as it should. Thank god for tissues and antihistamines! Isn’t this time in the sand pit of humanity fascinating? Love you all. I’d love to know your thoughts and hear of your similar experiences. Feel free to comment below and if you need a tissue, just ask, bless you! xxx